Returned Catholic

Childhood Confusion

I was raised culturally Catholic. I was baptized, but after that, nada. We observed certain Catholic traditions like no meat on Fridays during Lent (some years) oh and Christmas + Easter. Excluded was mass attendance, observing sacraments or anything else you’re supposed to do. Oh, but we were Catholic when asked! I recall being 8 years old and watching my cousin receive his first communion and how I wanted to go up to the altar as well. My grandmother gently told me I couldn’t because I had not gone through Catechism. This strange word made zero sense to me and when I asked my parents if I could go to class to be able to take communion was firmly denied. My parents were going through their own crisis of faith.

My Family’s Struggle

My family is from an area of the country that is more secular in nature; though historically was very Catholic. My grandparents had to navigate the changes from the Second Vatican Council in the early 1960s during an era of immense social and cultural change and upheaval. My boomer parents were amongst the first wave that really stopped observing going to church like they were raised. I am a Millennial and with how I grew up; very few people my age were going to church.

Questioning My Faith as a Millennial

As a Millennial; I forged my own bespoke path of spirituality which involved a cornucopia of belief systems—many of which I now regret or cringe at. Think New Age mumbo jumbo and the con artists involved in that scene. I would jeer at others praising Jesus and thought I was superior or above it all, considering myself more advanced and enlightened. Yet, there was a deep well of emptiness growing inside of me that I could not fill.

Looking back, I was always finding my way back into a Catholic church. Many times I would go inside of one to pray and I felt at home. I even attempted to start the Order of Christian Initiation for Adults (OCIA) a few years ago, but I still wasn’t ready. There was a lot of fear and judgement influencing my thoughts. Completing my other sacraments however has stayed with me my entire life, gnawing at me and the pull was growing stronger.

Embracing the Journey of Choice and New Beginnings

I explored many different religions and customs, convinced I would find the answer somewhere else. Finally, I asked myself a very simple question: do I believe in Jesus? There were other questions I asked myself but in addition to attending mass and feeling the most peace I had felt probably in my lifetime; I knew the answer and I was no longer afraid. I cast off my old beliefs that had never served me and sought refuge in Jesus whom had never left me.

It was quite sudden and almost startling actually. I went to mass one day because I felt compelled to. It was as if the Holy Spirit was literally kicking and dragging me out of the door into my car to go to my local parish that I had run from a few years prior. As I participated in mass that Sunday; this wave peace cloaked me in love and I knew deep in my soul that this was where I belonged. After years of denial, confusion, pain and suffering, I just knew.

Current State of Affairs

I am now enrolled in Order of Christian Initiation for Adults (OCIA), am an active participant in mass and am learning as much as I can. It’s so amazing to me how much I love reading Christian books; watching Christian programs and documentaries and sharing my faith with Christians. I used to roll my eyes at people like me unfortunately. I wish I had come home sooner but am grateful to be returned. I plan to use this blog to catalog all I am learning to the best of my ability in the hopes that it could also help others.